Breastfeeding, allaitement, nursing.....

Recently I travelled to France with one of my best friends, the husband and the kids.  A lovely wintery day trip was had.  At lunch time baby girl started to get whingey.  She was tired and hungry.  I knew that I had an easy way to stop her complaining and using her food as projectiles.... but I got cold feet.  I was under the impression that the French are not so 'boob friendly'  I was too afraid and held off feeding until I could secretly do so in my baby carrier as we strolled back towards the car. However, breastfeeding in public is essentially legal in France.  Although it is not generally as supported as in the UK so one could be subject to some prejudice.

Our little family has recently returned from California.  We had such a wonderful time.  On perhaps the second day we found ourselves outside.  Boy was playing in the park with daddy.  I was lounging with a fretful baby girl.  I wanted to feed her.  I was aware that by law I was OK, but I wasn't sure what the culture here was.  I faltered. 

There were two ladies and their kids sat near to me.  One of them started calling over her toddler (I would guess about 18 months). 
'Baby, you want Doh-Dots?'
(Toddler ignores her)
"Doh-Dots?  Come here baby, Doh-Dots"
I think to myself, 'she's got to mean breastfeeding'.  I couldn't think of anything else.  I start spying secretly.  Eventually toddler loses interest in whatever it was she was playing with and wanders over to mummy.  She promptly lifts her shirt snuggles up with toddler and they start nursing.  Mummy continues directing her other children and holding a conversation with a friend.

I smiled secretly.  At that exact moment where I felt unsure the solidarity of another mum had given me the confidence I needed to feed my baby - which I promptly did.  That just goes to show how important it can be!  On walking over to husband to tell him about my experience I spotted another woman nursing by the park, this time under a nursing cover.  I couldn't believe it.  2 in one park?  Plus me makes 3, that must be some new record!! (Having taken part in the Big Latch On I know that's not true).

Seriously, though, I have never seen so much open breastfeeding as I did in California.  It was awesome (said in an American accent, in case you are unsure).  Breastfeeding is protected by the Civil Code § 43-53 in California.  In fact in America breastfeeding in public is protected by law in most states in some form.


The following link shows the difference in perceptions of breastfeeding between the UK, the USA and France.

http://today.yougov.com/news/2013/09/11/french-women-least-tolerant-public-breastfeeding/

 I find these cutural differences fascinating.  I wander where it comes from, rates? Law? Health systems? Overriding political or religious sentiments?  But when travelling abroad a breastfeeding mother may feel unsure, even if she is aware of her legal status - yet another reason to breastfeed openly whenever possible, just in case a foreigner is feeling unsure :)

breastfeeding in front of my big brother

I feel that I recently overcame a big public breastfeeding hurdle.  I have previously talked about my reluctance to feed in front of men I know.  I have little issue with strangers, but am uncomfortable feeding around those I am close to.

In the recent scorching summer I spent a weekend in London with the family and my brother.  London always seems to be a bit hotter than the rest of the country.  All the time sitting on sweaty buses didn't help.  Understandably, baby girl wanted to feed more than usual.  It seemed quite simply cruel to cover her up, even with the lightest of fabrics.  So, I fed her uncovered, in front of my big brother.

Now this is even more of a big deal than it may seem.  My Dad, who I love dearly and have a great relationship with, has lived abroad since I was about 9.  Therefore, despite frequent contact, I was missing a physical male role model.  My big brother (10 years older than me) filled the position at once.  Sure, we are a typical sibling pair, we tease each other, we jabber on into the night when we are together, we drink together given half the chance.  However, for me, there is that aspect of him having been there as a guiding force in my life.

So, given how much my brother means to me, this is a big deal.  My brother, characteristically, totally ignored it.  So the rest of the weekend I could quench my little girl's thirst without irritating her with more layers.  Sometimes being forced into these situations makes you realise just how cool people are.

what's the point in 'The Big Latch On'?

This year was the first time I've joined a 'Big Latch On' event.  In the past I was always on holiday or not breastfeeding. n I jumped at the chance this year.  It was everything I'd hoped.  The normal good humour, older kids loving being a part of it all and husbands showing their support (even if some had been forced to come along :) ).  It was an opportunity for sharing tips as usual and cooing over all the beautiful babies.

But what's the point?  Other than it being a pleasant gathering, what's the big deal?

Well, in my opinion the biggest benefit is to raise the profile of breastfeeding in public.  I remember the first time I fed in public.  I went shopping with my in laws.  Initially I had to face the fear of getting my boobs out in public.  I gazed around looking for somewhere secluded and comfortable.  I spied a lady sat on a bench breastfeeding her baby.  I can still remember her face.  I timidly went and sat at the bench next to her and latched my son on.  She probably had no idea I was a public breastfeeding virgin.  However her mere presence acted as somebody holding my hand.  The more women breastfeed in public, the more we give each other confidence to do it.   Up to this moment I had never seen (or noticed) a woman breastfeeding in public.  I didn't know how to do it in an acceptable manner (if there is such a thing).  By gathering at a Big Latch On we are noticeably showing that it's OK.

We also fly in the face of people who think it is unacceptable.  A friend recently told me how somebody had muttered 'dirty' as they passed her feeding.  Until that moment she hadn't been inhibited.  I know I say it a lot, but it's all about normalisation.  The more we do it and the more people notice us doing it, the less people care.

When I fed my baby at the shopping centre that first time there was another issues.  Half an hour after he finished his feed he was up for another.  I was mortified.  People would realise just how much I fed my little boy and think I was pandering to him.  I was sweating and paniced.  I apologetically went off and fed him again.  But here's the other point - breastfed babies like to feed all the freaking time.  There's no distracting their one track mind.  So if you want to do anything other than go to breastfeeding groups then you need to breastfeed in public (unless you breastfeed in a car or a toilet, which is just a damn shame).  People who tut and shake their heads don't seem to realise that you can't leave the house unless you do this.  Also, going and sitting in a toilet every half an hour for 20 minutes pretty much makes me not want to bother going out, whereas sitting on a bench and watching the world go by is tolerable.  Once the public breastfeeding hurdle has been crossed you suddenly find you can shop, meet friends for coffee, go on holiday, whatever you want to do. 

When the 'Big Latch On' rolls round next year then try to go to/organise your own event.  It really is important.  And if you don't breastfeed, or are a man, a smile, a word or a thumbs up makes our day. Not just at an event, but everyday  Especially if we are all alone and looking worried.  It might be our first time.  I have been told that breastfeeding is beautiful by strangers far more times than I have been told it is disgusting and it makes all the difference.  And you know what, if I see a new mum breastfeeding I don't think I'll say a word.  I think I'll sit next to her and latch on my little girl, so I can give her the support of solidarity.

You can only breastfeed in public if you're pretty

Me and my husband like to wind each other up.  He likes to say things about breastfeeding that he knows will make me rant.  I make ignorant statements about computers to give the same effect.  We thrive on irritating each other.

This morning's exchange began innocuously enough.
He said. 'My mate Matt went to (well known high street department store) the other day.  He said he saw a woman breastfeeding outside the men's toilets.'
'Oh yeah?  Cool' I replied
'He said he doesn't like it when it's in your face.'
'What? She got up and waved her boobs in his face?  That's a disgrace!'  I grinned.
'Haha, that's what I said.  I said that it was probably the only chair in the whole shop'.  I was feeling proud.  How well trained my husband has become. Defender of the breastfeeder.  'He said there were loads of chairs though.'
I replied archly 'I bet he really hates all those billboards with scantily clad models too.'
Husband gets that cheeky grin where I know he's trying to annoy me. 'Course not.  But they're pretty.'
'So it's alright to breastfeed in public, but only if you're pretty?
'Yeah.'

Now, I need to point out here that he does not believe any of this.  Or at least he'd better not. It was designed solely to get my goat.  Please don't get wound up (that would only make him happy :) )  But it did make me think.  There are two points here.  Firstly, I get a bit complacent sometimes about public breastfeeding, even though I blog about it.  I've been getting my boobs out in public for nearly three years.  I'm pretty brazen about it.  I don't look around to see who's staring, I get on with my life.  I probably wouldn't even notice 'a look' anymore.  So I actually am surprised when I hear that it bothers people.  I expect Matt just did an inward British tut and pretended not to look.  But what a shame, not that it bothered him, but that he even noticed.  Do you see a teenager playing with their phone and take any notice? No, because you see it everyday.  A woman sat in a shop quietly feeding her baby shouldn't actually even arouse interest in an ideal world.  In my opinion anyway.  To me that's the ideal - normalised.  Breastfeeding no longer interesting, just something that happens.  Something that passes into our subconscious for when we need the skills ourselves.  Something that gets talked about in everyday boring conversation, not in headlines. Something that we see so much that when a woman has her first baby we can all offer her support.  Something that is so uninteresting that we don't even care about the breast v bottle thing anymore and we just let mums get on with it.

Secondly, there is a lot of publicity about the issue of acceptable nudity, including the 'no more page three' campaign.  I wonder if there is some basis in this idea of attractiveness making it OK?  Whether my husband thinks I'm pretty or not, when I am sloping about town with no makeup, sleep deprived and drawn faced I don't think I'm an oil painting.  With puke, spit, snot, paint, glue and god knows what else on my clothes.  Do people look and think 'eugh, I don't want to see her boobs.'  If there any truth in this, it is appalling.  If there is anyone out there who truly looks at a woman breastfeeding, even if she looks like a foot, and doesn't think they are seeing something beautiful they need a slap.  Anyway, attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder, some people think I'm pretty and some don't.  Some people don't think Kate Moss is pretty.  What does it even matter.  Nine times out of ten you won't even see any of her flesh - it is just that knowledge that that naked female flesh is under there, and a baby is feeding - oh my god we can imagine it!! Help, help!!  Women have nipples!! Are we not aware that everyone is naked under their clothes?  In houses and in toilets up and down the country there are pretty and ugly women baring their breasts and feeding their babies with them. Do you look at a toilet and shiver in horror at the thought of what aesthetically displeasing act is going on in there (and I'm talking about breastfeeding).  No? Well if you can't see it, if you can't actually see a baby latched onto a nipple (and you'd have to get creepily close to see that) then who cares! If the image you see displeases you then don't look.  Get over it, it's only a bit of skin.  

Ah, seems the rant my husband wanted just happened.  Darn, he wins again. Good job I broke my laptop last night so I can think up some particularly thick comments about it.

Sisters, shall we put on some lippy, some heels and a nice dress before we breastfeed our babies?  No, I thought not.  Let's just raise our unplucked (because we haven't slept in 5 years and have no time to even do a wee let alone pay any attention to our appearances) eyebrows and do a good British tut at the idiots that don't support us.  Or any mother.  What business is it of anybody else's whether I feed my baby with my breast or a bottle?  As long as we are happy, healthy, informed, supported and confident that what we are doing is right for us?  You know what I do?  I see a cute baby and smile at the poor tired mum.  That's it.  If I can see a breast it matters not (except the little inner lactivist that thinks 'hooray, a bit more normalisation').

It's world breastfeeding week and the theme is 'Breastfeeding support, close to mothers'.  Lets support the hell out of each other.

A little help from my friends

In my early days of feeding in public, I used to find it hard.  Fumbling under a cover of some kind trying to latch baby on was a nightmare.  This was especially bad in the early days when I was still sore due to various latch issues that I had.  Trying to not scream out in pain and frustration, along with being panicked about the reaction of strangers......it's not easy.

I might be lighthearted in this blog about feeding in public, but then I have been doing it for nearly 3 years.  I have come a long, long, long way from that nervous new mum.  So here's a tip -

When you have to face that hurdle of feeding outside for the first time, do it with a friend.  If possible, do it with somebody who is already breastfeeding as some moral support.  However if (like me) you don't know anyone that fits that bill, just take somebody you feel happy with.  Somebody who can be a distraction for you and who you know will turn into a fearsome tiger if anybody dares to raise an eyebrow in your direction.  A chaperon, a knight in shining armour.  It will also make you less obvious, more transparent, to passers by.

I may have been in this situation for a while, but I have still enlisted friends to throw something over me when baby pulls away and exposes my breast completely.  Or just to keep me company so I'm not so bored!  Since having a baby I have needed my friends more than ever before and they ave become like gold to me. 

Oh, and if you know a breastfeeding mum - offer to be that friend.  The one who keeps her company, or does little helpful jobs for her.  She needs you, she may just be too polite to ask.

Have you checked out these blogs yet?

www.themummyadventure.com
www.thesecretlifeofkate.co.uk
www.methemanandthebaby.co.uk
www.circusqueen.co.uk
www.petitmum.co.uk

Hop on over to the website of Eco Rainbow  as well to look at their lovely stuff!  I am slightly in love with their 'cat in the hat' breast pads. Use discount code 'BREAST' for 15% off

Good luck on the hunt xx

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Nearly got a parking ticket and waved at a man who totally saw my boobs

I don't understand why loads of toddler groups shut down during school holidays.  OK, I do understand - the people that run them need to look after their school age children and lots of mums can't attend the groups because they are at home with their older children.  However, it really annoys me.  What am I supposed to do? So, today I found myself at a complete loose end.  We have a rule whereby we must leave the house every day, otherwise I become thoroughly bored and despondent and a dreadful mother.  So, I was in a panic trying to think up today's activity.  Having not been clothes shopping for a hundred years I thought it could be a golden opportunity.  I asked the boy if he wanted to go.  He said no.  I told him he could ride in a 'noddy car'.  He said yes.

So, off to the shops we went.  The boy was very well behaved indeed and happily sat in his pushchair while I perused the shelves.  The girl was sound asleep in her little cubby in the back of the pushchair.  All was good.  The noddy car was successful.  I dragged the boy away from the bouncy castles and play park fairly easily with minimal tears.  I got his feet measured, bought him new shoes, bought loads of presents for other people and even a top for myself.

Now this shopping centre does have a carpark, however it charges a whole English pound for four measly hours parking (:P).  Next door to the shopping centre is a large supermarket which charges the same for two hours parking, however, if you spend five pounds you get it back.  Being completely stingy (and persuading myself that the saved pound would pay for the noddy car) I parked in the supermarket.  This meant that the shopping trip (including play park) could only last about an hour and a half and would have to culminate in a supermarket sweep.  It also meant that there was no time for a boob feed (although fortunately, one was not demanded).

We were doing well.  There I was at the checkout of the supermarket with a fussy starving baby on my hip and a bored toddler in the trolley when I saw her.  The parking lady.  My heart stopped.,  She was approaching my car.  I was five minutes late.  I snatched my card from the PIN machine and ran.  By some heavenly fortitude she took a circuitous route to my car and I bundled kids and shopping in and drove swiftly away.

I was now faced with a new problem.  Baby girl had a wet nappy, was bored and had a huge hungry hole.  I stopped at the nearest non paying carpark, which happened to be for a fast food restaurant.  I found a space at the back of the carpark and bribed the boy with being allowed to play in the drivers seat while I fed the baby.

As I have previously said on here, I have become more of an exhibitionist.  I don't really bother to cover up much.  I also think that there is a weird phenomenon whereby my car seems to be a little pod in which nobody can really see me or hear me.  I often do embarrassing things in my car (no not that....) and then remember that it is not a special protective bubble. Therefore, I don't particularly think about breastfeeing in my car in the same way as I do in other public spaces where I may make some vague attempt at modesty. Anyway, I was sat there in a state of undress trying to prevent toddler from using all of my washer fluid when a man got into the car next to me and started eating his takeaway.  I looked up and smiled as he caught my eye.  I then remembered that my boob was out.  I rearranged so that I was breastfeeding from under my top rather than over it (and therefore a bit more decent).  However, the man was clearly avoiding my gaze.  About ten minutes on however, he was forced to look up as my toddler was winding the windows up and down and being especially cute (and probably spraying washer fluid into the man's window).  We exchanged smiles.  I felt better this time as I was slightly more covered up.

Baby finished her feed and I decided to commence the journey home.  Boy was persuaded to clamber back into his own seat and I moved the girl's car seat into the front so that I could sing to her and keep her quiet (of course in no way diminishing my attention to the road - well less so than having her screaming in the back from boredom).  As I reversed out of my space I waved goodbye to the man.  He looked a little perplexed but smiled.  I can just picture him telling his friends about this deranged woman who had one boob out and kept grinning at him and for some reason waved goodbye.  What didn't help was that he was (I believe) a plater. For the uninitiated, this is a person who delivers cars and then often hitchhikes home by holding up their personal number plate so that you know they are a car deliverer and not a serial killer.  The reason that this was poignant was that my dad used to do this, so I had a bit of a 'that could have been my dad' moment.

Anyhoo, it took eight verses of  '10 little monkeys jumping on the bed' to get both children off to slumberland and I then had a wonderful twenty minutes of head space before the normal anarchy recommenced. 

Academic lactation of a different sort

I just graduated from a Masters degree.  I am feeling pretty smug with myself - during my study I have had two babies, handing in my dissertation a fortnight after my daughters birth.

Anyway, enough trumpet blowing.  I was lucky enough to graduate at Canterbury Cathedral.  It was a stunning setting and a gloriously sunny spring day.  The ceremony would last two hours so I had to ensure that baby was full to the brim with milk so that she could be left alone.  As a result, I was lurking around the cathedral feeding her right up to the last minute

One lady stopped to say how lovely it was to see us and another took a picture of me (Without my permission annoyingly).  Nice to have such a positive response.

It did feel like some sort of political statement feeding in my academic robes.  But then, since it is disadvantaged women who are least likely to breastfeed, maybe it wasn't really a statement at all.  But then, breastfeeding, openly, in the seat of the Anglican church, in academic attire did feel pretty cool. 

I had spent a few hours expressing milk for my absence.  However, my little bottle refuser was far from interested and spent the whole of the ceremony screaming for her mum when she ought to have been asleep in her pushchair with her Gran.  She is a clingy little milk monster at the moment.  Seems that now that she knows who I am she doesn't want me out of her sight.  Still, there's worse things than having to spend all your time with your baby.

A wedding, a crabby baby and a lot of breastfeeding.

This weekend I was bridesmaid at a friends wedding.  I faced the long journey and the quiet service with some trepidation considering my 2.5 year old son and 4 month old daughter.  It has been a weekend of breastfeeding highs and lows I think.

We, of course, had to make an unplanned stop at a service station halfway there to feed baby.  This resulted in cancelling a planned trip to see my sister, which was a real shame.  After our stop, baby continued to fret, even when I sang to her.  This was when I perfected my 'in car feeding method'.  I was damned if we were stopping again.  There have been few times when I have found breastfeeding inconvenient, but long journeys have been one.  The repeated stops drive me mad.  Of course, it would be thoroughly dangerous to remove baby from the car seat and breastfeed.  However, I have now discovered that with a bit of a contortionist act I can breastfeed her while sitting in the seat next to her (not driving of course).  This video shows how I did it, except that I didn't cover up at all.  I wish I had known this ages ago!!  So many long stops could have been avoided over the last few years.

Anyway, for the rest of the weekend my baby has insisted on comfort feeding continuously. Thank goodness my bridesmaid's dress was low cut!  I swear that most of the people at that wedding have seen my underwear though, as even though I wrapped up in a shawl it did occasionally slip off.  A fellow bridesmaid helped me keep my decency.  Of course it's one for breastfeeding in public and all that, but it would have been nice to get away from baby a bit.  Every time I did she screamed her head off.  In fact, she refused to be even spoken to by anybody and was the moodiest, clingiest baby I have ever known.

Baby made her best effort to spoil the wedding.  I had deposited her, fed and asleep, in Daddy's arms.  Halfway through the ceremony however, she wakes up and decides to scream blue murder.  I, being a bridesmaid, was powerless to help with my handy mute button (breastfeeding).  The wedding was stopped and Daddy was ordered out.  There was a slight snag in that big brother had taken off his shoes and so had to stay behind with some friends.  Anyway, daddy ran out into the corridors, nicely away from the ceremony.  Or so he though - he in fact walked behind the hall so we could just hear baby's screams coming in through the other doors.  I was mortified.  I eventually had to run out at a good moment and tell him to go away. I think my friend has forgiven me now.

It was an amazing wedding.  Beautiful bride, gorgeous setting, amazing food.  My little boy threw some shapes on the dance floor and threw a wobbly when we finally dragged him away for bed.  Baby was a pain all day, screaming for the duration of the photos, but fortunately sleeping through the wedding breakfast.  My escape from her in the evening when I got her to bed was cut short when the baby monitor broke.  The next morning at breakfast, baby was lovely and gurgly as if butter wouldn't melt. 

On the way home we stopped at a well known Swedish furniture company.  Baby was nicely asleep in the carrier and big brother was toddling around, opening cupboard doors and sitting on a variety of chairs.  All of a sudden I heard a bottom explosion.  My baby girl doesn't do little ladylike poos.  She does huge ones that burst forth from her nappy.  I knew that I would have to change her at once and ran back to the car to strip, wash and re-clothe her.  Unfortunately all the baby things were buried amongst the suitcases so by the time I finished, I was in a rage and baby wasn't too much better.  I had thrown my keys across the car, had a complete strop and had to be helped by the lady who drew up in the car next to me.  On rejoining my husband I sat and fed baby for a little while (whilst venting my rage at him) on one of the display chairs, not for the first time in my life.  However, my son wanted to move on before baby had finished.  This was when I worked out how to feed baby in a sling with her upright.  I have done it with her lying down before, but she's far too big to do that now.  It worked nicely, although husband was laughing and saying that I wasn''t as discreet as I thought.  Certainly not when baby spat out my nipple after she fell asleep and I didn't notice for a while.

Anyway, home now.  Some lessons have been learnt this weekend.

1.  How to breastfeed in a car
2.  Express milk if you are bridesmaid at a wedding
3.  Don't allow a small baby anywhere near a wedding if at all possible.  They like to ruin it.
4.  Be prepared to permanently breastfeed when you are in an unfamiliar setting
5. Always make baby clothes and nappies accessible in a car, and don't remove baby's clothes until you have found them.
6.  How to breastfeed in a baby carrier

Breast friends

At the weekend one of my best friends came over for a catch up.  She is the writer of fab literary blog 'Victoria Friedman's Wardrobe of Words'.  When baby needed feeding I, stupidly, apologised for getting my boobs out.  She laughed and said I was ridiculous.  She had a point.  As she said, she has probably seen my breasts a hundred times.  Not because we flash each other a lot for fun, but because we went to school together. OK, that sounds weird too, I didn't go to some kind of crazy topless school.  We used to have to get changed and shower communally for PE. For a start, school changing rooms always seemed to be the most dingy depressing places in the world.  But also, I hated this nude experience so much that I claimed every week to have a period to get out of it.  The teacher never seemed to notice that my period had been going on for about 6 months.  When this was questioned I then claimed to have a verruca for a while.  If the teacher wasn't in the changing rooms to check on us then none of us would have a shower.  To fool her we would wet our feet and shoulders in the shower room and then run around to leave wet footprints everywhere.  What disgusting, sweaty beasts we were.  Although I can't remember clearly, I am betting that the fragrant Miss Friedman always showered.

Seems then that I was always a bit uncomfortable with nudity.  Stupid really.  We're all the same after all. Is it any wonder we have issues with breastfeeding in front of others when we took such great steps to avoid flashing our friends in our adolescence.

 Anyway, I guess my new found liberation has been noted by my husband.  When he entered the room he just muttered 'Oh, she's already got her boobs out has she, she does that now that she has a blog.'  :D

Local woman told to stop breastfeeding

Writing this blog has made me question whether there really is an issue with breastfeeding in public.  I have rarely had any negative reactions and, if anything, responses are positive.  Is the concern about public breastfeeding largely paranoia?

Well, while I maintain that negative reactions are rare, an incident that occurred near to where I live highlighted that they are not unheard of.

http://www.kentonline.co.uk/times_guardian/news/2013/march/13/breastfeeding_mum_told_to_quit.aspx

I am quite shocked by how over the top this person's reaction is.  Not just a glance, a tut or a mutter (very British responses :D), but to be so forward?  It suggests that the person found the breastfeeding truly disgusting and rude. 

I am glad that the woman involved was a commited and secure breastfeeder.  Had this happened to somebody new to the 'art' then this incident could have caused untold issues.  Good for the staff and shoppers at Tescos to be so supportive too.

It seems then that the issue at the heart of this blog still needs to be tackled.  Girls, please breastfeed anywhere and everywhere that you want to.  Nobody has the right (legally or morally) to attack you.  When you breastfeed in public you not only nourish your baby, but you also add to the normalisation of breastfeeding and the eradication of this ill-informed outdated behaviour towards breastfeeding women. If you come across people like this maybe you should invite them to a 'Big Latch On' to up their exposure and shock them out of their disgust.  Breastfeeding is beautiful and normal and has to happen in public.

Lots of breastfeeding

I have been a little slack this week.  Unfortunately, both of my grandmothers and one of my husband's grandmothers are very ill in hospital.  I feel so blessed to have the influence of such amazing women in my life and I sincerely pray that they will pull through.

Anyway, I have had many opportunities to feed in public.  With so much going on I have not had the time to worry or be anxious about the feelings of others, I have just had to do what I have to do.

I breastfed in front of my grandmother when visiting her in hospital.  It was a little nerve wracking as I don't like to make the older generation uncomfortable. However, I know that my grandmother breastfed her five children.  She likes to tell a story of ducking behind a bush to tandem feed the first two.  Even now I wonder what the reaction would be to tandem feeding siblings like this. 

I also finally breastfed in church.  I was late.  It was mothers day so the church was heaving.  Baby was squarking and drawing far too much attention to us.  I felt happier having had the opportunity to discuss the issue with the vicar so I knew it was not innapropriate.  It worked as a lovely mute button for baby.  Anyway, under all my wintery layers it was unlikely you could see a thing.

I also sort of breastfed in front of my father-in-law.  I accomapnied him when he took my son swimming.  As I waited for them I was feeding my daughter and I got too hot and uncomfortable.  Knowing there was nothing to see anyway I took off the scarf I had over my shoulder.

So, I am becomeing more comfortable with breastfeeding in front of others.  But, as I do so I am beginning to ask much bigger questions.  Why does it matter if people breastfeed?  Why does it matter to me?  Why is there an issue with breastfeeding in public?  Some of these have seemingly easy answers, but I think that it may run much deeper than we like to think.  As I start to make sense of these questions I will try to blog about them.

In the meantime, please include my grandmothers in your prayers.

x

Messing about on the river

I went out to Canterbury today with the kiddies.  Spring is just rearing her head.  It feels like that grey winter misery is blowing away. 

We went to Dane John gardens and played in the little maze/fort there.  We then climbed to the top of the mound to look out at the city srawling around us.  After a walk around town baby was starting to fidget in her baby carrier so I knew a feed was imminent.  So, I took the boy to a bakery to choose a cake to keep him quiet.  He insisted upon a chocolate brownie (to share of course) and then patiently sat in the pushchair till we reached our destination.  We walked through the historic Westgate towers to reach the Westgate gardens, which follow the Stour river.

We chose a little picnic spot where we could watch the ducks.  I spread my scarf on the grass to sit, while the boy decided to remain his pushchair to scoff his cake.  I realised that in my newfound relaxed mindset towards breastfeeding, I had not brought anything to cover up with (other than my scarf, which was now shielding me from the damp grass.  However, I just shrugged this fact off, latched her on and enjoyed the beautiful setting.

Soon after, a hoard of students came to disturb the peace.  I thought they were playing a raucous game of pooh sticks.  However, it transpired that they had lost their frisbee in the water and were chasing it along the river trying to reclaim it. I smothered a laugh watching them try and throw sticks at it. I didn't bother to cover up as they lolloped past.  Some ducks swam past and splashed about as they dived for little food.  Not long after, a man sat at a bench on the other side of the river.  Again I didn't bother with modesty - all he could see was the back of baby's head.  I sat chatting away with the boy and then I looked up to see that the man had moved two benches along.  Was this because of my breastfeeding?  If he didn't feel comfortable then fair enough I suppose, what he did wasn't unkind and didn't hurt my feelings.  Although, I suppose a newer mum may have felt a dip in her confidence.

Maybe the scenery at that particular spot not beautiful enough for him.  Some may argue that we improved the scenery.  Oh...no, not because of the breastfeeding thing, just because we're really really gorgeous :D

Can you breastfeed in church?

I previously blogged about my experience of breastfeeding at church.  If you didn't read it, I lost the nerve to feed in the pews as I was unsure of the response. 

This morning the family went to a Saturday children's service.  I was very impressed when another mum confidently fed her 3 month old boy under a muslin.  This got me thinking again.

The vicar was having a discussion with me about making the church child friendly and mentioned providing bean bags to breastfeed on.  So, with her having raised the issue herself I asked her what she thought about breastfeeding in church.  She said 'Well, I think some in the congregation may be uncomfortable, but there are those that do it.  Usually it's very discreet and only I notice.  I am quite happy with it personally."

So there you go, thats the official word.  Well, in my parish anyway.

8 week jabs

Baby had her 8 week jabs this week.  When the nurse asked whether I was breastfeeding she then commented 'I don't know why I have to ask this' as she ticked the box.  I said that I figured it went towards the Infant Feeding Survey, although I really don't know.  I wonder if any of you out there know.  Is it just for information?   I did feel a bit strage about her comment, I wasn't sure whether to feel it was good that she didn't see the point (as breastfeeding should be normal) or if it seemed ignorant.

After the jabs I sat in the waiting room to see if there were any side effects.  I had dashed out of the house as we were running late as usual so I had nothing with me.  So, I breastfed uncovered in a room with two old men and an old lady.  Nobody cared and it was wonderful.  I am fast coming to the conclusion that, for me at least, public breastfeeding is widely accepted.  I know it's not the case for everybody, but ladies, please have the boldness to try.

The only bad public breastfeeding reaction I have had....

To date I have only had one negative reaction to breastfeeding in public.  Overwhelmingly people are positive, save for the odd askance glance.

I was out for lunch with my mum, brother and nan.  We went to a local family restaurant.  We were the first shown to the dining area and chose a large table in the corner.  I sat with my back to the wall, facing the room.  A few minutes later a couple in their fifties sat at a table opposite me. 

When baby (my son, this was a few years ago) started to fret I pulled my feeding apron over my head, squirreled baby underneath and started to feed.  I was being quite brave.  He was only a few months old and I was still a bit nervous and awkward about breastfeeding around people.  I kept noticing the man of the couple looking at me, but I ignored him and carried on with the family dinner. It was very pleasant, four generations having the chance to bond over lunch.

When we left my nan suddenly chose to pipe up.  She had been nearest to their table.  She said that the man had been disgusted and had made quite a few comments about me.  I was infuriated on two counts.  Firstly, they had arrived after us.  If you have a problem with breastfeeding then you do not sit at a table near a small baby, or even go to a family restaurant in the middle of the day. Secondly, I had been entirely covered up.  I could not have been more discreet.  Was just the knowledge that I was feeding my baby near him so very abhorrant?  I sort of vaguely understand people taking issue with seeing a naked breast, but what could be wrong with me feeding my baby if it couldn't be seen?  Had I got an artificial teat out, essentially a rubber nipple, and fed my baby right next to him he would likely not have objected.  But using my own breast for what it was intended under cover was disgusting?  Would he prefer to have the baby scream throughout the meal because he was hungry?

Well, my mother and I were livid.  We both declared that we wished we had known while we had still been at the restaurant so we could have reacted (although maybe that would have been counterproductive).   Given the time again I might have uncovered, squirted some milk in his eye and said "There. Now you have something to complain about." :D

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Academic lactation

When the lecture by Joan Wolf at the University of Kent at Canterbury was advertised, I felt I just had to go. The title immediately raised my interest: 'Is Breast Best? Taking on the Breastfeeding Experts and the New High Stakes of Motherhood'. The lecture was based on her 2011 book of the same title. One tiny problem – I have a 7 week old baby. Well, I thought, this may be a good opportunity to breastfeed in public. What better place than a lecture that questions the rhetoric surrounding breastfeeding promotion?

I was a little nervous. I wasn't too concerned about breastfeeding at the lecture as I wanted to make a point by doing so. My greatest concern was that baby has been somewhat colicky for the last few weeks. At around 7 o'clock she starts up crying and goes on till around 9, with the only solution being relentless laps of my house with her in a baby carrier. So, I was a little worried that the cries may begin at some point during the lecture, meaning that to be fair to the other attendees, I would have to leave.

The lecture began and baby was feeding, but a bit squirmy – which is often a sign that colic is coming. Around 10 minutes in I decided to wind her in an effort to postpone the screeching and she proceeded to throw up over me and the floor. I wondered if this was he critique of the lecture? However it did seem to offer her some relief and she breastfed quietly for the majority of the remainder.

I must say that I cannot agree with my daughter's nauseous verdict on the lecture.  I found it fascinating. I feel that in some articles I have read, Dr Wolf has been misrepresented and quoted out of context. In my opinion her reasoning was sound and I would like to offer my interpretation of what I heard.

Dr. Wolf began by questioning the scientific research surrounding breastfeeding, as many studies are methodologically flawed and can only suggest correlations rather than causal relationships. They cannot, ethically, remove all bias as it would be wrong to randomly assign mothers to breastfeeding or bottlefeeding groups to ascertain the outcomes. Therefore, there may be other cultural or social factors that influence the outcomes such as better hygeine or higher levels of education in one group or the other.

Today's society is one that puts great value on risk minimisation. We do all we can to prevent death or disease. In particular, mothers (more so than fathers) are expected to minimise all risks to their children. Dr Wolf claims that in the case of a mother, it is expected that she will do so regardless of the personal cost. For example – does it make sense for a mother to breastfeed if it puts her at emotional or psychological strain? We may argue that it is right given the health benefits to the child. However, as already established, many of those are not irrefutable. Also, why do we so easily disregard the maternal cost? So then perhaps, are there cases where it is less risky to formula feed?

Equally concerning is the advocacy of breastfeeding. Dr. Wolf highlighted that while breastfeeding is promoted by governments with the caveat that women must not feel pressured, in reality this is something of an oxymoron as it surely only adds to the pressure. She also descirbes the 'viciousness' of some advocates in their responses to her book, where she has even been compared to a holocaust denier. It seems that it is inconceivable that one would question that breastfeeding is best for all babies.

As a breastfeeding mother I am of course pro breastfeeding. However, I have seen the emotional struggles of my friends who 'fail' to breastfeed, and therefore feel they have 'failed' as mothers. It seems that to be a good mother, you have to be a breastfeeding mother and I cannot help but disagree. When you look at the experiences of some women it appears that the stakes were against them when it came to breastfeeding and why should that be something that they should feel guilty about? What if they are unsupported, ill informed, or quite simply find breastfeeding abhorrent? Don't get me wrong, breastfeeding has been life-changing for me, but, for others it could be a very negative experience. Surely then it is wrong for it to be promoted at all costs?

What I want to see, and I doubt I will in my lifetime, is a culture that accepts maternal choice. If you can and want to breastfeed then you should be able to do so, fully supported by your peers and by health professionals. You should have information and emotional support. You should have seen breastfeeding as a normal everyday occurrence. You should feel comfortable to breastfeed wherever and whenever you want. However is you want to formula feed then that should be acceptable. No good mother would purposefully harm her child – a decision to formula feed comes from a good place. Formula feeding mothers should be able to do so without fear of condescension or vilification, they should be awarded the same respect as any mother. Equally, they should be supported in their decision and provided with information that allows them to formula feed safely.

As a scientist (I have a bachelors degree in a science discipline and am awaiting the results of my masters degree in a social science) I cannot help but feel that it is only a good thing to question, to criticise. Those who are 'afraid of the big bad Dr Wolf' should feel assured that should the findings of breastfeeding research be correct, her critiques can only result in strengthening them by stimulating further, more rigouous scientific study. But I also cannot help but think that we need to realise that our reasoning for breastfeeding has to come from reasons other than those from science. Science is not the answer to everything, in fact really all that scientists do is generate more questions. So here I must turn to my personal experience.

Personally, I do not doubt the health benefits of breastfeeding. Here I disagree with Dr Wolfs statement that she 'does not think the results are causal'. But putting that aside, breastfeeding has had a myriad of experiential benefits for me. When I leave the house, I do so with a nappy in my pocket. I don't need a big bag full of bottles and other equipment. I am a bit lackadaisical about sterilisation – my baby is exposed to normal bacteria from my skin and is provided with passive immunity in my milk. I don't have to clean and sterilise bottles or worry about when I made a bottle up or what temperature the water is at. I just 'wap 'em out'. For me, breastfeeding is easy and convenient. Also, where a lot of formula feeders say that it is nice that it allows other people to feed the baby, I feel the opposite. Several times a day, my baby is mine, all mine. One day she won't be. My son already is a big daddy's boy and has less and less time for his mummy. But when he was very small, he was mine. That time is more precious to me than I can say and I do feel that it has provided a bond between us. I look back with fondness on those quiet moments every evening when I would feed him till his lids were heavy. But, I would be lying if I said there haven't been costs. It is time consuming. Nobody can help me in the night, so the sleeplessness is all mine. I don't often get a break away from my baby (she wouldn't take a bottle even if I could be bothered to express any milk). But then, having got used to these costs, I think for me it is a good thing I am tied to my babies, for I am the kind of person that would easily have lots of other things to be busy with. Nonetheless, this is just my experience. I have been lucky in that I could overcome the difficulties I have had through researching the issues,and for all health issues to have been small. I am also lucky enough to be able to afford to take long maternity leave. Also, I have a lot of support around me. For others the situation is different and so the scales of profit and cost will tip in different way. While we can use these sort of experiential advantages as reasons to breastfeed we must recognise that they do not outweigh the costs for everyone.

On talking to Husband last night he summed up what I took away from the lecture succinctly I think. “So, basically, if you want to breastfeed that's great, and if you don't then that's quite OK too?” Who could disagree? But, there is a long way to go for society to be that tolerant. I feel that neither choice is a free choice at the moment. When information, support and tolerance are commonplace then perhaps we will be allowed to feed our children however we see fit. But we must be wary of the research and advice that we believe. Equally, we must be supportive of each other's right to feed our children in the way that seems most suitable. I hope that when I read the book (which I fully intend to do) it does have this pro-choice message and isn't the anti breastfeeding rant that some have reported it to be.

Baby settled down for the rest of the lecture. Colicky signs only reared their ugly head towards the end of the lecture and she started to cry as I left, so I was fortunate to be able to hear the whole thing. I am proud that I breastfed at this lecture. Although, I did cover up as it seemed appropriate. What made me especially glad was that somebody else had brought a baby. I think that is a wonderfully good sign, for two babies to be welcome at an academic lecture, allowing their mothers to do so too. Given that the babies were not disruptive there was no reason for either of us to have missed out on a lecture that we wanted to attend. Would two women and their babies have attended a lecture even 30 years ago? Would they have openly breastfed in that academic setting? I very much doubt it. That is a good sign of the times.

Mayfair dontcha know

Today was a big breastfeeding adventure.

One of my best friends, who I met at University, is shortly getting married. I am one of her bridesmaids, along with our other Uni friends and her sister. Today was her hen night. The plan was to have afternoon tea at the Athenaeum hotel on Picadilly. This is a 5-star London hotel, just along the road from the notorious Ritz. Initially I declined as I was worried about taking the baby and upsetting the other well-heeled customers with her crying. But, as bridesmaid I really felt I should, and if I went, then baby went. Eventually one of my friends cajoled me into going. Since then I have been worrying that we may be refused entry or that breastfeeding could be a problem. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I travelled to London on the train, a long boring 2 hour journey. Halfway there baby began to cry. I am happy to say that I just turned my shoulders slightly towards the wall to preserve my dignity, latched her on uncovered and fed her. I was all nonchalent. OK, there wasn't anybody sat next to me, but it was still quite a busy train.

On arriving in London I walked from Victoria to the beautiful Athenaeum hotel, with it's lovely foliage covered frontage. My heart fluttered a little as we were greeted by a waitress. What if she threw us out, or argued? I certainly didn't want to make a scene on my friend's special day. However, the waitress simply smiled and said 'Oh, a little one, how lovely!'. I beamed and we went and joined our friends at our table. The baby was immediately borrowed by the mother of the bride to be and she was stripped out of her coat and declared lovely by all of the hen party. However, on beginning the game of pass the baby (when the music stops, whoever has her has to keep her :D) she began to put up a protest. I grabbed a scarf feeling that decency was probably a good idea, latched her on and proceeded to drink my champagne (only one glass of course). Many tasty crustless sandwiches followed, then cream teas with the most delicious jam. Completely stuffed, we were then presented with plates of beautiful little cakes. During this time the baby was passed around several times and had three bouts of breastfeeding. The staff were amazing and did not react in any way to my breastfeeding.

It was truly a wonderful afternoon and I felt completely at ease. My friend was beautiful as ever and appeared to have a great time. As she, and the rest of the party, went on to have cocktails, another friend and I left to catch our trains home. I must take a moment to praise a kind man on the tube. I jumped on a packed train with baby in a carrier on my front. Most of the commuters continued their careful stares at the floor. He immediately offered me his seat even though he wasn't in one of those priority ones. So, kind, ginger haired man on the Victoria line, should you ever read this, thank you again.

I now sit, typing this on my way home on the train. I have plenty of time having caught one of those extra slow trains that stop at every tiny village station. I am feeling proud of myself for my breastfeeding exploits today. Busy train and top London hotel and still only positive responses, just the way it should be. Baby is currently quietly feeding, having been the only thing that has made the two paddle boat/steam train enthusiasts sat on the other side of the aisle from me stumble in their conversation. However they quickly continued unperturbed.  Occupants on this train have definitely seen my pasty flesh, but I am totally unworried by this, and if anything, just a bit dozy.  Maybe a little sleep with my little girl...

 

(Photo borrowed from tripadvisor)

Should you breastfeed in front of strange men?

Yesterday I went to a baby group that I attend on occasion.  As usual (especially with added new baby influence) we were running late.  Not only were we cutting it fine, but I realised I needed cash on the way, so it was a bit of a frantic drive.  On arrival I leapt from the car, bundled the baby under one arm and dragged the boy by the hand.  I tried to make it a game by giggling and shouting in a high pitched voice, 'Quickly, quickly', where actually I wanted to shout 'hurry the hell up!!'  We just made it and settled down in the ring of other toddlers.  There were around 7 or 8 mums, and, a dad.  One of those wonderful men (like my husband) who happily goes to baby groups when they are available to do so (of course, many are at work and so don't have the opportunity).  I like seeing men at baby groups and I wish there were more.  I worry that some are concerned about entering this traditionally female environment.

My son started playing and having a nice time.  The baby was sleepy, but then started to whinge. Judging by the fact that she was trying to suck my arm off, I was fairly convinced she had just decided she was hungry.  Well, that was OK, surely.  I had fed at plenty of baby groups.  But, oh no, there was a man!  'Oh well',  I thought, 'that's OK, I have my breastfeeding apron'.  This piece of equipment was such a lifesaver with my son.  My husband's Grandma bought it for me and it was easily the best present I was bought.  In those awkward early breastfeeding days it provided me with a cover that wouldn't fall off and allowed me to see what I was doing.  Seriously, I can't recommend it highly enough.  However, in my haste I had left all of my stuff in the car, including the apron, muslin cloths an d a baby blanket, all of which I could have used. I wasn't able to go back out to the car.  I suposed I could use my coat but that was a little conspicuous.  I decided it would actually draw less attention if I just got on with it.

So, that;' what I did.  Now, being ever unconventional, I usually pull my top down to breastfeed rather than up.  This developed because I do not wear nursing bras, so it is easier.  However, it also is far more revealing.  This time, in the name of modesty I went under my T-shirt.  I felt totally covered up.  There is no way anyone could see anything that way. 

The dad didn't really bother me ultimately.  He was at a baby group.  Baby groups are normally full of mums, so inevitably there are going to be mums breastfeeding.  I don't think then that a man at a baby group could be uncomfortable with it.  Anyway, if he was I didn't sense it.  In fact, I relaxed immediately since I felt covered up. 

It was still a milestone.  I have never fed my baby uncovered in front of a man other than my husband. I generally don't worry too much when in all-female company.  But, I have never breastfed in front of my brother, my dad or my father-in-law, let alone a stranger.  Should I feel this discomfort?  Does it make me sexist? Or is it respect for their comfort?  I honestly don't know. But funnily enough, feeding in front of a strange man worries me a lot less than feeding in front of male family members.  I think it's because of the whole 'I'll never see them again' idea.  So, maybe that's the next step, feeding in front of men I know, but if feels like a big step.

I breastfed in Church!! Well, sort of...

Leaving Daddy and the boy at home, the new little girl and I went to church this week. The boy was still in his pyjamas and determined to play trains rather than get dressed so there was little likelihood of him being ready in time to join us. Even I had rushed out of the door to make sure I wasn't late. Baby didn't seem too impressed at the haste but I hoped the walk in the sling would make her nice and sleepy, ready to snooze through the service. However, I guess the icy winter wind didn't help. She spent the whole walk gazing about at the world with a look of wonder on her face, wide awake. Of course, on arriving at church, the second I sat down in the pew she started to complain loudly.

I had chosen a pew at the back and to one side with a view to breastfeeding if need be. Also it was nice and near the door if I needed to dash out (you never know when you might have to escape an angry mob when you publicly breastfeed... :D). Even in the reserved Victorian era, women breastfed visibly in church (according to Gabrielle Palmer's 'The Politics of Breastfeeding'). Surely there could be no issue in our liberated times? However, my baby's cries had drawn too much attention. I felt watched, whether I was or not. I wasn't completely at the back so there were people to my right who could easily glance over. This church welcomes young children but there were no others there today. The parishioners today were all over 50 at least. Would they judge me? Was their generation kindly towards this behaviour or not? I was unsure. Nonetheless, I picked up my baby's blanket and swathed myself in it planning to start to feed. It felt awkward. Could anyone see my flesh? Would they know what was going on under the fabric? Would anyone think this behaviour inappropriate? I certainly didn't want to ruin anyone's spiritual experience and cause a cacophony of British tutting around the church to boot. I just felt too exposed. My reserve melted and I scuttled away to the vestry to feed with the door ajar so I could hear the service at least. As it happens, it was likely a good choice as my baby was fretful and putting up a bit of a fight. I would probably have become exposed at some point of the proceedings. However brave I am about public breastfeeding I don't think the time was right for nipples during Holy Communion

Anyway, on my return twenty minutes later 'The Peace' was in progress. The vicar, doing her rounds of the congregation, came to wish us peace. As she shook my hand she asked if I had gone to feed my baby. I said yes, truthfully. I was burning to ask her about the 'appropriateness' of feeding in church, but before I rustled up the courage the vicar smiled and walked on to the next congregation member. However, in her face there had been no judgement. No disapproval. Would this have been the same if I had sat and fed in the pew? I actually think it would have. Another congregation member commented on how my efforts to keep the baby quiet reminded him of his wife and their children when they were small. I wonder if he knew why I had left the room and whether his wife had done the same. Others told me that me and my baby were quite welcome and they didn't mind being disrupted by cries. But then, did they know what had gone on in the vestry?

To me, my naked breast makes no difference to my communication with 'Him Up There'. He knows what goes on between me and my baby and I am sure would not avert His eyes (Wow, quite philosophical for a first blog). Also, as far as I am concerned, the alternative was either a screaming baby (which nobody wants) or me missing out on a service that at that time I felt in need of (just a lot to be thankful for right now). Breastfeeding in church was really the most sensible option. I only wish that I had the strength to stay in the pews. I bet that nobody would have noticed, and if they did they would have taken no issue. But I was too scared – and that is a shame. Why should I feel concerned? Where has that fear come from? But, I still breastfed in church. I didn't go home. I didn't just walk around trying to quiet a starving baby with bounces and pats while her cries got on everyone's nerves. And, if nobody else, the vicar knew what I did (and God if you are inclined to believe such things). Next time I'll have to be brave and stay put....maybe.

"and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip,
and bounced upon her knees.
As one whom his mother comforts,
so I will comfort you;
you shall be comforted in Jerusalem." (Isa. 66:12)